Why We Miss Who We Used to Be

Because sometimes missing who we used to be is the person we've outgrown.

There comes a quiet hour when the world slows — and we find ourselves missing someone we can’t call or text. That someone is us.

We miss the version who laughed louder, trusted more easily, or dreamed without limits. The one who hadn’t learned to guard her heart so tightly or to weigh every risk before leaping. We scroll through old photos, hear familiar songs, and feel a subtle ache — not just nostalgia, but a longing for the person we once were.

Missing your old self doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful for growth. It means you’ve lived long enough to notice the distance between who you were and who you’ve become.

The Psychology of Missing Our Old Selves

Temporal Self-Continuity

Psychologists refer to it as temporal self-continuity — the sense that our past, present, and future selves are meaningfully connected. When that link weakens, we feel detached from who we were.

Recent studies confirm this: McMichael et al. (2024) found that individuals who perceive strong continuity between their past and present selves report greater psychological well-being and lower levels of depression. Conversely, those who feel disconnected from their past selves experience more distress and self-doubt.

Similarly, Lampraki et al. (2022) found that maintaining a coherent life story — one in which past and present selves are understood as part of the same journey — protects against emotional loneliness, especially after experiencing hardship.

In short, when we lose touch with our past selves, we also lose a piece of our emotional anchor.

Self-Concept Clarity and Comparison

Zaw (2023) found that when our self-concept clarity — our confidence about “who I am” — becomes uncertain, we engage in temporal self-comparison. We look back and measure our current worth against who we used to be.

Sometimes that reflection brings pride (“I’ve survived so much”), but other times, it stirs grief (“I used to be braver, lighter, freer”). The comparison isn’t vanity — our mind attempts to find continuity in change.

Authenticity and the Future Self

It’s not only the past that matters. Hong, Zhang, and Sedikides (2024) demonstrated that feeling connected to one's future self fosters a stronger sense of authenticity — and, in turn, greater meaning in life.

That means the antidote to missing who you were may not be going backward, but forward: learning to trust the self you’re still becoming.

Growth as Loss

Change demands trade-offs. Every version of ourselves we’ve outgrown holds qualities we once needed: innocence, spontaneity, openness. When those fall away, the transformation can feel like loss.

Liu et al. (2025) found that younger adults often experience sharper emotional gaps between their past and present selves than older adults, suggesting that identity change is more turbulent during earlier life stages. The more rapid the change, the more likely we are to grieve what was left behind.

Sometimes healing doesn’t feel like becoming stronger.

It feels like saying goodbye to the person who didn’t survive the lesson.

A Real-World Example

At thirty-three, Lena sits on her porch at dusk, scrolling through photos of her younger self — backpacking, painting, laughing without hesitation. She remembers that girl’s courage, her chaos, her easy faith in people.

Today, Lena is steadier. Employed. Wiser. But when she looks at those pictures, a quiet thought crosses her mind: Where did she go?

Psychologically, Lena is experiencing temporal self-comparison — a natural reflection triggered by identity change. Her younger self embodied traits (adventurousness, openness) that she no longer expresses on a daily basis. Research shows that this moment of dissonance is not a regression but an awareness — an invitation to integrate, not to return.

What she really misses isn’t the past — it’s permission to live like she used to believe in possibility.

Reconnecting Without Regressing

Here’s the secret: you don’t have to go back to reclaim what you’ve lost.

The versions of you that once existed aren’t gone — they’re archived within your experience. You can honor them without re-occupying their space.

1. Revisit rituals. Do something your past self loved — a song, a walk, a journal page.

2. Write her a letter. Tell her what she taught you, and thank her for carrying you this far.

3. Practice mindfulness. Studies show (Borgdorf et al., 2024) that mindfulness reduces distress from self-comparison, helping you observe your evolution without judgment.

4. Invite her traits forward. Maybe she was brave. Maybe she was kind. Choose one thing she did well and practice it again — in a wiser way.

Moving Forward: The Self You’re Becoming

Sedikides, Hong, and Wildschut (2023) remind us that self-continuity exists in three directions — past, present, and future. A healthy identity draws from all three.

When you strengthen that thread, you stop feeling like fragments of a story and start feeling like a novel — one with painful chapters, yes, but also with meaning, growth, and continuity.

Missing your old self means you’ve changed.

But it also means you remember who you were well enough to build on her strength.

Reflection Prompts for Readers

• What version of you do you miss the most — and why?

• Which of her traits still live inside you?

• What would your future self thank you for doing today?

Closing Thought

Maybe we never really lose who we were. We keep meeting ourselves again — wiser, softer, stronger.

And when we miss an old version, maybe it’s life’s quiet reminder: She’s still here. She’s waiting for you to notice.

References

Borgdorf, K. S., et al. (2024). Social and temporal comparisons in light of mindfulness. Mindfulness. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-024-02472-w

Hong, E. K., Zhang, Y., & Sedikides, C. (2024). Future self-continuity promotes meaning in life through authenticity. Journal of Research in Personality, 109, 104463. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jrp.2024.104463

Lampraki, C., et al. (2022). The mediating role of self-continuity on the link between childhood adversity and emotional loneliness in later life. Frontiers in Psychology, 13, 1039504. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.1039504

Liu, L., et al. (2025). Temporal discounting and self-continuity: Age-dependent differences. Journal of Behavioural and Experimental Economics. Advance online publication.

McMichael, S. L., et al. (2024). Perceptions of temporal selves: Continuity, psychological well-being and depression. Frontiers in Psychology. Advance online publication.

Sedikides, C., Hong, E. K., & Wildschut, T. (2023). Self-continuity. Annual Review of Psychology, 74, 333–361. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-032420-032236

Zaw, S. (2023). Linking self-concept clarity and temporal self-comparison. Self and Identity. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298868.2023.2244722