Why We Miss People Who Hurt Us: The Psychology of Longing After Toxic Relationships

Why We Miss People Who Hurt Us: The Hidden Psychology Behind Longing and Attachment

You know they weren’t good for you.

You remember the yelling, the silent treatments, the knots in your stomach.

And yet… you still miss them.

If that’s you, you are not weak, crazy, or broken. There are powerful psychological reasons we cling to people who hurt us.

A Brief Scenario: “I Should Know Better… But I Miss Them”

Imagine someone like Ava.

Ava left a partner who constantly criticized her, gave her the silent treatment, and yelled during arguments. Friends begged her to leave. She finally did.

For a while, she felt relief. She could sleep again without waking up in a panic.

Then, out of nowhere:

• A song plays that was their song.

• Her phone shows a memory from two years ago.

• She drives past “their” restaurant.

Her chest tightens. She misses the way they held her hand — even though she knows on some days it felt like comfort and on others, like a cage.

That tension — knowing someone hurt you, but still aching for them — is where psychology steps in.

Why Our Brains Cling to People Who Hurt Us

1. Trauma Bonding: When Abuse and Attachment Get Tangled

Trauma bonding is a psychological response to abuse where the person being hurt develops a strong emotional attachment to the abuser. This usually happens when cruelty is mixed with affection, remorse, or positive interaction (Zoppi, 2023).

Trauma bonds form through:

• Power imbalances and dependency — one person holds more control, emotionally or otherwise (Zoppi, 2023).

• Intermittent reinforcement — cycles of harm followed by kindness make affection feel rare and precious (Sandstone Care, 2025).

• Emotional starvation + relief — when periods of calm alternate with periods of conflict, the brain begins to tie the same person to both fear and relief (Sandstone Care, 2025).

Over time, the brain starts to link relief and affection to the same person who is causing the pain — even though this connection is unhealthy.

So when you leave, your body may still crave that relief hit — even if it came between episodes of harm.

2. Attachment Styles: Why Some People Struggle More After Leaving

Attachment theory explains how early relationships shape our adult relationships. People with anxious attachment especially struggle with separation: they’re more likely to ruminate, feel intense distress, and yearn for closeness after loss (Eisma, Tõnus, & de Jong, 2022).

A 2022 study found:

• People with high anxious attachment ruminate more after a breakup.

• Those same people show greater distress and stronger urges to reconnect with an ex-partner, even after harm (Eisma et al., 2022).

This doesn’t mean the relationship was good — it means your nervous system is reacting to a loss of attachment, not evaluating whether the relationship was healthy.

3. How Nostalgia & Memory Trick You Into Missing Them

Our brains don’t record reality perfectly. After a painful breakup or toxic relationship, we often drift into selective remembering — highlighting the vacations, the inside jokes, the affection, and forgetting or minimizing the pain, fear, or indifference.

Therapists describe this as romanticizing the past — it pulls the good moments forward and pushes the bad ones backward (Suri & Sangwan, 2025).

Nostalgia itself can be uplifting and positive — it can reinforce a sense of belonging and identity (Health.com, 2025). But in the context of trauma bonds, it can:

• Sugarcoat reality (“It wasn’t that bad…”)

• Fuel belief in change (“Maybe they’ll be different this time”)

That discrepancy between memory and reality keeps people stuck in loops of yearning.

4. Brain Chemistry: Why Longing Feels Like Withdrawal

Love and attachment activate the brain’s reward system — the same circuits involved in addiction (Suri & Sangwan, 2025). Chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin flood the brain when you feel comforted, seen, or close to someone.

When that person is suddenly gone — even if they weren’t good for you — the brain reacts as though something vital has been withdrawn.

• You feel physical ache.

• You obsessively think about them.

• You crave connection — any connection.

In trauma bonds, these chemicals can feel especially strong because periods of affection may have felt rare or hard-won, making the brain attach even more intensely.

5. Identity, Loneliness, and “The Story That Never Finished.”

It’s not just the person you miss. You miss:

• The routine they were part of

• The identity you held within that relationship

• The future you imagined together

Psychologists label this an ambiguous loss — a loss that lacks precise closure because the other person still exists in the world, but the relationship does not (Times of India, 2025).

We’re also surrounded by:

• Social media reminders

• Photos

• Memories

This modern phenomenon has even been called digital haunting — where old photos or memories trigger emotional longing (Times of India, 2025).

That’s why it can feel like breaking up means nothing really ended — even though it did.

So… Are We Missing Them, or What They Represent?

Often, when we say, “I miss them,” what we really miss is:

• Feeling chosen

• Connection

• Familiarity

• The hope they would finally change

Understanding this difference is crucial:

What you’re longing for is not always the person — it’s the emotional needs they used to fill.

Evidence-Based Strategies for Healing

Research and clinical insights suggest:

1. Name it for what it is.

   • Labeling the bond as a trauma bond helps reduce shame and gives clarity.

   
   

2. Reality-check your memories.

   • List both the good and the bad.

   • Re-reading the list helps you stay grounded amidst nostalgia.

   
   

3. Reduce contact and digital reminders.

   • Mute or block old profiles.

   • Turn off “memories” features that force exposure.

   
   

4. Build new attachments.

   • Healthy friendships

   • Community or support groups

   • Meaningful hobbies

   
   

5. Seek therapy if needed.

   • Approaches like CBT and trauma-informed therapy help reframe attachment responses and rebuild self-worth.

   
   

6. Practice self-compassion.

   • Missing someone who hurt you is a predictable human response, not a personal failure.

If you’re in danger or feel unsafe, please reach out to local emergency services or a domestic violence hotline.

Conclusion: Missing Them Doesn’t Mean You Were Wrong to Leave

Here’s the truth:

• You can miss someone and know they were not good for you.

• You can feel lonely and still deserve kindness and care.

• You can long for connection and choose healthier paths forward.

Psychology helps explain why we miss people who hurt us — trauma bonds, attachment styles, brain chemistry, and nostalgic memory all play a role. But explanation is not destiny.

With insight, support, and time, longing eases. The same brain that once formed a bond can also learn healthier ways of loving — including learning to love yourself first.

APA References

Cleveland Clinic. (2023, March 29). What is trauma bonding? Signs and how to cope. Cleveland Clinic Health Essentials.

Eisma, M. C., Tõnus, D., & de Jong, P. J. (2022). Desired attachment and breakup distress relate to automatic approach of the ex-partner. Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry, 75, 101713. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jbtep.2021.101713

Health.com. (2025). How feeling nostalgic about the holidays can improve your mood and relationships.

Sandstone Care. (2025, June 23). Trauma bonding: Definition, stages, & recovery.

Suri, R. K., & Sangwan, T. (2025). Why are past relationships hard to forget? TalktoAngel.

Times of India. (2025). What is digital haunting? The toxic social media trend that’s secretly damaging your mental health and relationships.

Zoppi, L. (2023, April 25). Trauma bonding explained. Medical News Today.