The Wild and Wacky World of Writing Fiction: A Survival Guide

So, you’ve decided to write fiction.

Congratulations! You’ve voluntarily entered a world where imaginary people will hijack your brain, coffee will replace sleep, and your search history will make the FBI nervous.

But fear not! Whether you’re a seasoned author or someone who just had a “brilliant” idea at 3 AM and is now staring at a blank document in horror, this survival guide will help you navigate the unpredictable, utterly ridiculous, yet gratifying world of storytelling.

Step 1: Accept That Your Characters Have More Control Than You Do

You may think you’re in charge. You’re not. The minute you create a character, they will develop opinions, backstories, and inconvenient personality quirks that derail your perfectly planned plot.

You: “Alright, John is going to propose to Sarah in this scene.”

John: Actually, I have deep-seated commitment issues due to unresolved childhood trauma.

You: “…what?”

John: And I think I have feelings for my best friend’s sister, who is currently on the run from the law.

You: “EXCUSE ME?”

This is normal. You don’t control them. They control you. Accept it.

Step 2: The Art of Avoiding Writing

You’ll discover that writing fiction involves doing everything except actual writing. You will suddenly feel a deep need to organize your spice rack, clean out your inbox, or, in extreme cases, contemplate running away to live in the woods because “civilization is too distracting.”

Other highly productive procrastination techniques include:

• Researching obscure facts you’ll never use (because what if your medieval knight needs to know the lifespan of a squirrel?)

• Designing a book cover for a novel you haven’t written

• Googling “How long can a person survive on caffeine alone?”

• Taking “What Type of Fictional Character Are You?” quizzes (spoiler: you’re always the brooding antihero)

Step 3: Word Count Panic – A True Horror Story

In the beginning, you’ll be brimming with ideas. You’ll type with the speed and enthusiasm of a caffeinated raccoon. Then, somewhere around the middle, your word count will suddenly resemble a sad, abandoned tumbleweed.

You will stare at the blinking cursor. It will stare back.

You will consider switching genres. Maybe your romance novel should become a murder mystery. Maybe the dragon in your fantasy story should become a lawyer. Maybe you should fake your own death and disappear.

But no! Stay strong! Even if your manuscript is currently a mess of plot holes and questionable dialogue, it is YOUR mess, and you will conquer it.

Step 4: Editing – AKA Destroying Everything You Loved

Once you finish your first draft, you’ll read it and immediately assume that a deranged, sleep-deprived version of yourself wrote it. (Which, to be fair, is accurate.)

Common editing thoughts include:

• “Did I really write this? I don’t remember writing this.”

• “Why does everyone SMIRK so much?”

• “Wait… I changed the character’s eye color three times in one chapter.”

• “Maybe I should just set this on fire.”

But don’t despair! Editing is where the magic happens. Just, you know… after you cry a little.

Step 5: The Joy (and Madness) of Publishing

If you survive the editing stage, you’ll enter the publishing phase, which is exhilarating and terrifying. Whether you go the traditional route or self-publish, get ready for:

• Endless formatting battles with your document

• Debating if your title is brilliant or the worst thing ever

• Rewriting your synopsis 57 times because nothing sounds right

• Refreshing your book stats every five minutes like a lab rat pressing a lever for treats

And finally… THE MOMENT. Your book is out in the world. You did it. You survived. You are now an author.

Your reward? More story ideas. Because this madness never ends.

Final Thoughts

Writing fiction is a wild, messy, and occasionally ridiculous journey. You will question your sanity. You will talk to yourself. You will spend an embarrassing amount of time staring into space, lost in thought.

But you will also create worlds, breathe life into characters, and tell stories that will make people laugh, cry, and maybe even see the world differently.

And in the end, isn’t that amazing?

Now, go forth, brave writer. The blank page awaits… and so do those characters planning to ignore your outline.