The Cost of Leaving: Why People Stay, Why Preparation Matters, and How to Move Forward

Aug 27
5 min read

Marriage is often idealized as a lifelong bond of love, trust, and support. But reality doesn’t always align with the dream. Some couples find themselves in marriages that bring more stress than joy, more silence than connection. And yet, many stay.

Why would someone remain in a relationship that makes them unhappy? The answer isn’t simple—it involves money, children, cultural pressures, emotional investments, and even the psychology of attachment. To understand the “cost of leaving,” we must also recognize the forces that keep people from walking away.

Why Some People Stay in Unhappy Marriages

1. Financial Realities: The Practical Cost of Separation

Money is one of the biggest reasons couples remain in marriages long after love fades. Divorce brings legal fees, divided assets, child support obligations, and—perhaps most daunting—the financial burden of living alone.

Research: A 2024 report found that nearly 17% of couples delayed or avoided divorce because of financial pressures, citing rising rent and the expense of maintaining two households (Legal & General Retail, 2024).
Example: Imagine a stay-at-home parent who has been out of the workforce for 15 years. Divorce would mean finding a job quickly, paying for childcare, and possibly moving into a smaller, less secure home. Staying, however unhappy, feels safer.
Psychology: Humans are wired to avoid loss. The potential financial losses of divorce can overshadow the emotional gains of freedom.

2. Emotional Investments: Too Much to Walk Away From

Every year of marriage adds layers of shared life: children, homes, vacations, rituals, even friendships with other couples. These “investments” make leaving feel like wasting years of effort.

Research: The Investment Model of Commitment emphasizes that people stay not just because of satisfaction, but because of what they’ve invested (Rusbult, 1980; Hawkins et al., 2020).
Example: A couple who has been married for 25 years may no longer share emotional intimacy, but they run a business together. Ending the marriage doesn’t just mean divorce—it means dismantling a shared livelihood.
Psychology: Loss aversion and the “sunk cost fallacy” keep people locked in. Even when the present is painful, the past feels too heavy to discard.

3. Attachment and Fear of Loneliness

Our earliest attachments influence how we relate to love as adults. Those with anxious-preoccupied attachment styles often fear abandonment so much that they stay in harmful relationships.

Research: George, Hart, and Rholes (2020) found that anxious individuals stay in unsatisfying relationships due to fear of being alone and uncertainty about finding someone else.
Example: A spouse may say, “At least I have someone,” even though the marriage is emotionally barren. For them, loneliness is a worse fate than conflict.
Psychology: Fear of rejection, low self-worth, and dependency patterns make leaving terrifying, even when staying is miserable.

4. Social and Cultural Pressures

Marriage isn’t just personal—it’s social. Divorce carries stigma in some religious communities and can alter how extended family or friends view an individual.

Research: A 2022 Time article described how marriage—even an unhappy one—provides a “status bump,” granting social legitimacy and institutional privilege (Time, 2022).
Example: A couple in a conservative town avoids divorce because they fear gossip and judgment. Their unhappiness becomes a private burden rather than a public scandal.
Psychology: Humans crave belonging. Choosing divorce risks social exclusion, which can feel more painful than marital dissatisfaction.

5. Hope for Change

Hope is one of the strongest forces in human behavior. Many spouses stay because they believe things will improve—with counseling, time, or renewed effort.

Research: Romanoff (2021) notes that people often remain in unhappy relationships because of “uncertainty”—not knowing if unhappiness is temporary or permanent.
Example: A partner recalls the early years of romance, believing that if they just “try harder” or “wait a little longer,” their spouse will change.
Psychology: Hope can be healing—but also paralyzing. It keeps people in a cycle of waiting rather than acting.

6. Health and Family Stability Concerns

Many parents remain in unhappy marriages because they believe it benefits their children. While intentions are good, research suggests otherwise.

Research: Amato (2019) found that high parental conflict, not divorce itself, predicts poor child outcomes. Children in households filled with tension may experience more harm than those with divorced but cooperative parents.
Example: Parents choose to “stay together for the kids,” but the kids grow up witnessing hostility, silence, or resentment, shaping their own views of relationships.
Psychology: Parents often sacrifice personal well-being for family stability, but in high-conflict homes, the opposite effect occurs.

Why Premarital Counseling Is Necessary

If many of these struggles stem from unspoken expectations and poor conflict management, premarital counseling offers a proactive solution.

Identifying Hidden Assumptions: Couples often don’t realize they disagree on major issues (finances, parenting, roles) until after marriage. Counseling surfaces these conflicts early (Williamson, 2018).
Improving Communication: Structured sessions build skills for resolving disagreements before they escalate (Hawkins et al., 2020).
Addressing Vulnerabilities: The Vulnerability–Stress–Adaptation model shows that unresolved personal struggles (like trauma or anxiety) affect marital quality (Karney & Bradbury, 2020).
Example: A couple discovers in counseling that one expects to save aggressively for retirement, while the other values spending on travel. Talking it out prevents long-term resentment.

How to Successfully Divorce (When Leaving Becomes Necessary)

1. Prioritize Mental Health

Divorce is one of life’s most stressful transitions. Therapy, support groups, and healthy coping mechanisms buffer against depression and anxiety (Sbarra et al., 2019).

2. Seek Mediation Over Litigation

Mediation offers faster, less hostile resolutions than courtroom battles. Research shows children of mediated divorces have better long-term outcomes (Emery et al., 2020).

3. Protect Children

Conflict—not divorce—harms kids. Cooperative co-parenting minimizes disruption to children’s lives (Amato, 2019).

4. Be Financially Transparent

Hidden debts or assets lead to costly disputes. Transparent financial disclosure helps prevent post-divorce instability (Holtfreter & Wager, 2021).

Example: A divorcing couple chooses mediation, dividing assets fairly and agreeing on joint custody. The children adjust with minimal stress, and both partners find healthier futures.

Conclusion

The cost of leaving a marriage is never just financial—it’s emotional, psychological, and social. But so is the price of staying. People remain in unhappy marriages because of money, children, social expectations, fear of loneliness, or hope for change. Recognizing these forces allows for compassion rather than judgment.

Premarital counseling can prevent some of these challenges, while thoughtful divorce strategies ensure that when leaving becomes necessary, it can be handled with dignity and care.

Ultimately, the goal is not simply to avoid divorce or endure unhappiness—it is to foster relationships, families, and futures that are healthy, supportive, and sustainable.

References

Amato, P. R. (2019). The consequences of divorce for adults and children: An update. Journal of Marriage and Family, 81(3), 635–663. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12548

Emery, R. E., Rowen, J., & Dinescu, D. (2020). Co-parenting after divorce and children’s adjustment: Current findings and new directions. Family Court Review, 58(2), 281–296. https://doi.org/10.1111/fcre.12461

George, K., Hart, K., & Rholes, W. (2020). Research on attachment style and fear reveal why people stay together too long. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/experimentations/202003/what-makes-unhappy-couples-stay-together

Hawkins, A. J., Stanley, S. M., Blanchard, V. L., & Albright, M. B. (2020). Exploring the effectiveness of premarital counseling: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Family Psychology, 34(2), 147–157. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000596

Holtfreter, K., & Wager, L. (2021). Financial decision-making in divorce: Implications for economic well-being. Journal of Family and Economic Issues, 42(1), 71–85. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10834-020-09717-w

Karney, B. R., & Bradbury, T. N. (2020). The longitudinal course of marital quality and stability: A review of theory, methods, and research. Annual Review of Psychology, 71, 1–25. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-010419-051103

Legal & General Retail. (2024). Unhappy couples delay divorce because of money worries. The Times.

Romanoff, S. (2021, October 29). What to do if you’re unhappy in your relationship. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-to-do-if-you-re-in-an-unhappy-relationship-5207633

Sbarra, D. A., Hasselmo, K., & Bourassa, K. J. (2019). Divorce and health: Beyond individual differences. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 28(2), 152–157. https://doi.org/10.1177/0963721419827279

Time. (2022). Why I stayed in a marriage that was making me miserable. Time Magazine. https://time.com/6202816/marriage-status-bump-privilege

Williamson, H. C. (2018). Early marital interventions and relationship education: Recent research and directions for practice. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 6–10. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.03.006