Learning to Move Forward After a Relationship Ends (Through Death or Breakup)

The ending of a relationship — whether by death or breakup — is one of the most disorienting and painful experiences a person can endure. I know this not only as a mental health professional but also as someone who has personally sat with the silence, the questions, and the overwhelming ache that comes when love, in its familiar form, is suddenly gone.

Grief does not care whether the person is lost to death or if they chose to walk away. The heartbreak can feel the same. But if you’re reading this, know that there is no shame in feeling stuck, lost, or unsure about how to move forward. Healing isn’t about forgetting — it’s about finding a new way to carry the love, the lessons, and, yes, the heartbreak too.

The Science Behind Relationship Loss

Romantic relationships are biologically significant. Research indicates that when we form close bonds, the brain’s reward and survival systems are activated, releasing dopamine and oxytocin, thereby creating emotional security (Fisher, 2016). When the relationship ends, whether through bereavement or breakup, these systems are disrupted. The result? Physical symptoms like insomnia, fatigue, anxiety, and even immune suppression (VanderWeele, Chen, & Long, 2020).

This is not just “in your head.” Your body is grieving too. You’re not weak. You’re wired for connection, and the loss of that connection impacts you on every level — physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Scenario 1: The Sudden Goodbye (Death)

Imagine planning a life with someone — holidays, plans, even little inside jokes — and then, without warning, they’re gone. The mornings are the worst. The quiet moments stretch unbearably long. The world goes on, yet yours has come to a standstill.

Why It Feels So Impossible:

Sudden loss causes what researchers call complicated grief — a grief response that feels unresolvable, often due to the trauma of the unexpected (Bonanno et al., 2018). Your brain has had no time to prepare gradually. You are thrown into survival mode.

Moving Forward:

• Name the trauma — acknowledging that this wasn’t just grief but also shock can make space for healing.

• Seek trauma-informed grief counseling (APA, 2020) — grief and trauma often need to be approached together.

• Create meaningful rituals — write letters, visit unique places, or talk to them out loud. It helps.

Scenario 2: The Unexpected Breakup

You didn’t see it coming. One day you’re making plans for the future, the next, you’re left wondering what went wrong. The grief is compounded by confusion and the feeling of rejection.

Why It Feels So Impossible:

Breakups can feel like ambiguous loss — the person is still alive, but they are no longer the same person to you (Mancini et al., 2011). You grieve both their absence and the future you imagined.

Moving Forward:

• Avoid romanticizing — it’s easy to replay the highlight reel of the relationship and forget the struggles. Journaling both the good and the painful keeps you grounded (Lewandowski & Bizzoco, 2019).

• Limit contact — neuroscience shows that remaining in frequent contact too soon prolongs emotional distress (Tashiro & Frazier, 2013).

• Rebuild your identity — focus on hobbies, friendships, and dreams you may have set aside.

The Loneliness Factor: You’re Not Alone in Feeling Alone

Loneliness is one of the most common and devastating parts of relationship loss. Whether the person passed away or left voluntarily, the gap is real.

Studies show that loneliness doesn’t just hurt emotionally — it affects your physical health, immune system, and even lifespan (Hawkley & Cacioppo, 2010).

Gentle Ways to Reconnect:

• Accept invitations even when you don’t feel like it.

• Find a safe person or community with whom you can be vulnerable.

• Consider joining support groups, such as those for grief, relationship recovery, or faith-based issues.

From My Own Story

I once thought healing meant moving on, closing the book, and leaving the past behind. But I learned that healing is far more tender. It’s about carrying them with me in a different way. For me, healing began with the most minor things — standing up in the morning, watching the sun rise, allowing myself to cry without apology, and slowly creating a life that wasn’t void of them but wasn’t entirely defined by their absence either.

The Power of Self-Compassion

Research confirms that self-compassion significantly reduces depression, anxiety, and emotional suffering after relationship loss (Neff & Germer, 2013). Instead of asking What did I do wrong?, try asking What does my hurting heart need right now?

Try This:

When you feel consumed by guilt or blame, pause and say:

“I am doing the best I can with what I have, and that is enough.”

Repeat it until your body begins to soften — even if it’s just for a moment.

Moving Forward (Not Moving On)

There is no “moving on” from someone you deeply loved. Instead, you learn to move forward — holding their love, the lessons, and the loss in your heart while creating space for what is still ahead.

Moving forward might look like:

• Smiling without guilt.

• Laughing again, even if it feels strange at first.

• Making new plans.

• Loving again — if and when you’re ready.

Your story is not over. It’s simply unfolding differently than you imagined.

Gentle Takeaway

If today you:

• Got out of bed.

• Took a deep breath.

• Cried.

• Remembered.

• Reached out to someone.

• Or survived the day…

That is enough. That is healing. And you are not alone.

References

American Psychological Association. (2020). Trauma and grief: Understanding trauma-informed care. APA.

Bonanno, G. A., Wortman, C. B., Lehman, D. R., Tweed, R. G., Haring, M., Sonnega, J., … & Nesse, R. M. (2018). Resilience to loss and chronic grief: A prospective study from preloss to 18-months postloss. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 83(5), 1150-1164.

Fisher, H. (2016). Anatomy of love: A natural history of mating, marriage, and why we stray. W. W. Norton & Company.

Hawkley, L. C., & Cacioppo, J. T. (2010). Loneliness matters: A theoretical and empirical review of consequences and mechanisms. Annals of Behavioral Medicine, 40(2), 218-227.

Lewandowski, G. W., & Bizzoco, N. M. (2019). Breakups as a catalyst for personal growth. Journal of Positive Psychology, 4(1), 21-31.

Mancini, A. D., Bonanno, G. A., & Clark, A. E. (2011). Stepping off the hedonic treadmill: Individual differences in response to divorce. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 100(3), 601-614.

Neff, K. D., & Germer, C. K. (2013). A pilot study and randomized controlled trial of the mindful self‐compassion program. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(1), 28-44.

Tashiro, T., & Frazier, P. (2013). “I’ll never be in a relationship like that again”: Personal growth following romantic relationship breakups. Personal Relationships, 10(1), 113-128.

VanderWeele, T. J., Chen, Y., & Long, K. (2020). Positive and negative religious coping and grief symptoms in bereaved parents. Death Studies, 44(12), 715-724.